Announcement Re New Space

The new space is currently marked as private, there is an additional step to gain access. Those who have given me an email address would have been sent an invitation by now. Let me know if I have missed you out by dropping me a comment here or via my email address (available on the profile page).

Thank you.
Bump Heart

A Brand New Year, A Fresh Start

I've decided to stop blogging here. 2011 had been a very tough year for me and the posts reflect that. It is very difficult for me to come back to this space and not be dragged down by the negative emotions. While LJ has charted my path for the last 6-7 years, I think it's time to leave.

A big promise to myself is a gentler, kinder 2012 and to focus on the good things. 

So... for the 5 of you who actually still pay attention to my writing rants, drop me an email / private message, I'll send you the details to the new site (will need your email address). Or leave a comment, or comments are screened for this post.

Have a wonderful year ahead.

Thank you for the comments / support over the years!
Bump Heart


So... 2011 is coming to an end in 6 days and while everyone is taking stock and checking off their resolution lists, I'm battling conflicting emotions.

I'm doing my best to be all bright and sunshiny, frankly optimism isn't one of my best traits. I've been feeling like I've failed my 2011 report card.

Having a baby is a big deal but it wasn't one of my bucket list item and I'm unwilling to accept this is THE ONLY thing I've done all year. It feels like I've WASTED A YEAR of my life AND LOST MYSELF.

Is this what PND looks like?

It does not mean I don't love Clover or that I love her less. While she has added joy in my life and is getting cuter (mannerism / personality not just looks) by the day, I'm still struggling with the concept of SELF.

And really, she's not an easy baby. Healthy, yes; for which I cannot be more thankful for. Easy, HELL NO. I'm not sure if it's genetics or 胎教 (for the lack of a better phrase prenatal education), the fact that I was running around working like mad, she DOES NOT keep still even for a moment. And this observation came from a number of Mr. P's colleagues.

Clover isn't one of those babies who could be left on a playmat and expected to be in the safe zone while the caretaker does other chores; she is a bad eater; a light sleeper who would not nap on her own (partly our fault). She's opinionated, discerning and feisty; all great traits for when she's older and out my door but truly not the easiest to manage when her only way of communication involves babbling in various volumes (usually loud or louder).

Right... Back to me. I've felt lost and unaccomplished since New York, which explains the lack of posts. All I have is a big ? hanging over my head.

While I have an incredibly supportive husband who is the best man for the job, I can't help but feel I've given up a lot more for a life that he wanted more than I do. And now I can't change any of it.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


Out Sick

Clover has been battling a fever and the sniffles since Sunday. She's been on the mend today but I am now down with a stuffed nose. My mom and sister are also battling early symptons of a bug. I hope we are all gonna be okay by tomorrow morning for the sister's ROM at noon!
Bump Heart

Sleep Training: Fucking Regression

Clover's been regressing on her night sleep since Thursday last week. This is just great, fucking coming before a busy 3 weeks of travelling. According to The Wonder Weeks, she is on her 37th Week leap and apparently this is contributing to her sleep regression.

I happen to be the worst kind of person when I am hungry or sleep deprived. Motherhood doesn't change that; I truly want to throw her in the bin since this happened. I don't because I might land in jail.

Thursday: Early waking (5am)
Friday: Hysterics in the middle of the night, I succumbed to latching her to sleep
Satuday: Early waking (5.12am)
Sunday: Early waking (4.32am)
Monday: Early waking (5.20am)
Tuesday: Hysterics, been screaming since 11.30pm


A week in my taitai life

What's a week like in the Jesslyn Irminger household?

- C's back to not eating: I kid you not she shuts her lip so tight I can't even pry it open with a spoon without hurting her. Sure sign of stubbornness then? Oh joy!

- I had mysterious gastric pain all of Tuesday morning and did not sleep a wink from 2-6am. Just as I was dozing off, C gets up at 6.14. Oh fuck!

- Gastric pains turned into lower abdomen and back aches. Small trickle of fresh blood but nothing after. Still no period after 18.5 months. Hmm.

- Took C to a well baby clinic and was informed that she could be investigated for "failure to thrive". While I understand that FTT is a medical term and midwives need to be cautious, it doesn't kill anyone to have better beside manners, does it? Especially when one fucking works with moms & babes! Given more literature on weaning. I made a snide remark that the stupid cow come over to feed C herself!!

- Stress induced migraine. You mean it's only Wednesday?!?

- C still not eating much; managed to sneak in 20g (yes I weigh the amount I feed her) of food in 2x30 min sessions. Do you know how little is 20g?

- Woken up by C at 5am on Thursday. Nice an hour early today. Fought for 45 mins before her morning nap, another 45 mins before her afternoon nap. We had to miss class today.

- Finally Friday, C's still not eating but I managed to scrape and finger feed her 1/5 of an avocado. Tried BLW at night with pumpkin, asparagus and rice - she threw up. Just great!

- Headed out for dinner with Mr. P and some mates thinking it's a respite from this baby business. Guess what awaits? Came home at 12.40am to a sleeping C but not for long. She woke up wailing at 12.45am and would not go down to sleep oh her own. Fought till 2am, at which point I was too fucking tired to care, co-slept.

- Swim class Saturday, lil monster won't nap and was cranky in class. We left early since she won't leave my arms. At HKD 220 per lesson, what a great way to flush money down the drain.

- My day started bright and early today, 5.12am to be exact.

So who wants to swap? Come be a tai tai with a helper, it's so much fun!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Bump Heart

Missing bit

I think God must have been momentarily distracted when he created me; he accidentally left out the maternal instinct bit.

8 months into motherhood, 85% of the time I'm relying on experiential knowledge rather than the oh-so-talked-about maternal instinct. I just don't have that.

I mentioned last year when I was pregnant I never knew and couldn't tell what the hell the little lady was doing inside me; she moved that's it. I didn't have x-ray vision, how could I tell if she flipped / jumped / curled up. Uh-uh not me I'm not one of them women.

When Clover cries, more often than not, I know find the reason by the simple process of elimination - is she wet / hungry / hot / cold, etc.? I know what she wants and when based on her past behaviour, not because it's instinctive. When you spend such a huge amount of time with one person, you will of course know her whims and fancy. There's no romantic notion behind it, pure and simple behavioural science.

There are tough days when I just want to run away from it all but I don't and I think it has more to do with learned (mom's nagging) responsibility and ethics (I have very strong work ethics). And child rearing is hard work.

I still don't like babies or kids (1-10) all that much. I am not one to coo over strangers' children (friends', ); not maybe); one to want to hold everyone else's child.

Mr. P, on the other hand, exudes paternal vibes. Kids (1-10) FLOCK to him even when their own fathers are around.

E.g. 1) we went to a birthday party where his colleague and his son were in attendance. Since we live fairly close, we took the ferry together and the entire journey his colleague's son wanted Mr. P to hold his hand, sit with him, play with him, etc...

2) We had a friend and his family (2 kids, 2.5 and 4.5) over for a BBQ last Sunday. Both kids stuck to Mr. P like glue.

Am I jealous? Nope, rather him than me. Guess I'll stick to being the responsible parent that make sure our kid is fed, clothed and taken care of generally.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Bump Heart

The Little Girl Who Won't Sleep

Just when I thought we have more or less established a loose day time schedule, my little monkey is transitioning to TWO naps a day.

For this past week, trying to get her down for a nap at her usual time of 8.30-9ish is like WWIII. Even when she goes down before 9.30, she would barely stay asleep for 30 minutes. And trying to get her to take her mid / late afternoon catnap is even worse.

Starting tomorrow I'm starting her on a new schedule based on just two naps!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.